Open Letter to Airport Security Officials

I was planning to travel to the U.S. very soon but I've been thinking a lot lately and in light of the recent events I have decided to write you an open letter about my concerns regarding this matter:
i) Even though I may look like a terrorist; I'm not one. I'm sorry but my appearance is not something that I can control.
ii) Yes, my name is hard to pronounce and my last name contains more than 8 letters which makes it hard to make your searches. I assure you, however, that most people arround here have similar names. I would gladly change my name to "John Smith" just to smooth things up. But, alas, in my country changing one's name requires a complicated set of legal formalities which I currently don't have the time to pursue.
iii) I would gladly empty my pockets but please don't look inside my body cavitities. You have to understand that the second thing I fear the most is getting blown up as my fear of a body cavity search is second to none.
iv) I promise not to go to the bathroom during the flight and I hereby absolve you of any legal responsibilities. My own bladder getting 'blown up' is my own business and nobody else's.
v) I promise to drink my ass off during the flight, as long as you offer me free beer. In an intoxicated state I would most likely go to sleep which would render me harmless (this is just in case you still have doubts about me).

Sincerely..